George Carlin

George Carlin dog den 22:a juni 2008.
Det bästa sättet att minnas honom tror jag är att fortsätta sprida hans ord. Det finns inget budskap, det finns inget skitsnack, det finns bara Carlins ord och övertygelser och sedan är det upp till var och en att forma sin egen uppfattning om det han sagt.
Jag var och är fortfarande ett stort fan av hans komik och textförfattande. Så här följer ett par av de saker han skrivit.


In the future no one will take drugs, but people will still buy them and conceal them from the police
- från When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops?


Cancer causes heart disease
- från Brain Droppings


Sometimes when you're burying a guy alive, for a moment or two you start feeling sorry for him. And then it passes, and you keep on shovelling.
- från Napalm And Sillyputty


Be careful whom you befriend. They will eventually ask you for something.
- från When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops?


Have you noticed fluorescent lights seem afraid to come on? When you turn on a fluorescent light it flickers and hesitates and is sort of unsure of itself. Then after several seconds it seems to gain confidence and light up at full strength. What's that all about? Can't these lamps receive some sort of counseling?
- från Napalm And Sillyputty


His Ass Is Yours
Cats are so tactile you don't even have to do the petting. All you need is to put your hand somewhere near him, and he'll lean into you and do all the work. They love to push back.
Then there's the ass trick. Did you ever stroke a cat who's lying absolutely flat, and before you've run your hand halfway down his back, his ass is sticking way up in the air? As if you pressed an "ass button" or something?
"Isn't he a cute little ... holy shit! How did he do that?"
Or sometimes if he's on the bed with you he'll climb onto your chest and stick his ass right in your face:
"Hey, here's mya ss! Check mya ss, Daddy! Get a nice, clean look at my ass!"
And then while he's showing you his ass, he starts that kneading thing with his paws; like he's playin' the piano. God, I hate that.
"Get him offa me! Jesus, I hate that! I don't even know what it is, and i hate taht. It's as if he got hold of some bad drugs. What is that?"
"It's an instinctive nursing behavior, honey. He misses his mommy."
"You always say that. You said that about the mailman."
- från Napalm And Sillyputty


I prefer people with imagination: dictators, serial killers, schizophrenics, assassins, skinheads, drug lords, violent bikers, devil worshippers. To me, these are the interesting people. To get its edge back, I think what America really needs is more evil. Intense, unalloyed, concentrated evil.
- från When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?


THE SECRET NEWS
(News ticker sound effect)

ANNOUNCER: (whispering)
Good evening, ladies and gentelmen, it's time for the Secret News.

(News ticker gets louder.)

ANNOUNCER: Shhhhh!

(Ticker lowers.)

ANNOUNER:
Here is the Secret News.
All people are afraid.
No one knows what they're doing.
Everything is getting worse.
Some people deserve to die.
Your money i worthless.
No one is properly dressed.
At least one of your children will disappoint you.
The system is rigged.
Your house will never be completely clean.
All teachers are incompetent.
There are people who really dislike you.
Nothing is as good as it seems.
Things don't last.
No one is paying attention.
The country is dyin.
God doesn't care.
Shhhhh.
- från When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops?


There are many popular beliefs rooted in familiar expressions and sayings that simply aren't true.
Everything comes in threes. Not true. In reality, everything comes in ones. Sometimes when three "ones" come in a row, it seems like everything somes in threes. By the way, in medieval times it was widely believed that everything came in twenty-sixes. They were wrong, too. It just took them longer to recognize a pattern.
People say when you die, you can't take it with you. Well, that depends on what it is. If it's your dark blue suit, you can certainly take it with you. In face, not only can you take it with you, you can probably put some things in the pockets.
You learn something new every day. Actually, you learn something old every day. Just because you just learned it, doesn't mean it's new. Other people already knew it. Columbus is a good example of this.
The sky's the limit. Well, how can the sky be the limit? The sky never ends. What kind of limit is that? The Earth is the limit. You dig a hole and what do you keep getting? More earth. The earth's the limit.
You get what you pay for. Clearly this is not true. Have you been shopping lately? Only a naive person would believe that you get what you pay for. In point of fact, if youcheck your purchases carefully, you'll find that you get whatever they feel like giving you. And if corporations get any more powerful, you soon might not even get that.
Tomorrow is another day. Not true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might turn out to be another day, but we can't be sure. If it happes, I'll be the first to say so. But, you know what? By that time, it'll be today again.
Nice guys finish last. Not true. Studies have shown that, on the average, nice guys finish third in a field of siz. Actually, short guys finish last. By the way, in medieval times it was widely believed that nice guys finished twenty-sixth. You can see how limited those people were.
If you've seen one, you've seen 'em all. Do we even have to talk about this one? This should be obvious. If you've seen one, you've seen one. If you've seen them all, then you've seen them all. I don't understand how this one even got started.
Those were the days. No. Those were the nights! Think back. Weren't the nights better? Days you had to work. Nights you went to parties, danced, drank, got laid. "Those were the nights!"
There's no such thing as a free lunch. What about when you eat at home? I don't pay when I eat lunch at home - it's free! Sometimes I'll leave a tip, but basically, it's a free lunch. Yes, I know we had to buy the food at the store. But as the Zen Buddhists say, The Food Is Not the Lunch.
You pays your money, and you takes your choice. I think what I said earlier still applies: You pays your money and you takes whatever they jolly well give you. Actually, when you get right down to it, you pays your money and you loses your money.
Everybody has his price. Not so. Would you believe there are millions of people who do not have their price? Thanks to a government mixup, many people have their neighbor's price.
They don't make 'em like they used to. Actually they do make 'em like they used to, they just don't sell 'em anymore. They make 'em, and they keep 'em!
Two wrongs don't make a right. Well, it just so happens that two wrongs do make a right. Not only that, but as the number of worngs increases, the whole thing goes up exponentially. So that while two wrongs make one right, and four wrongs make two rights, it actually takes sizteen wrongs to make three rights, and 256 wrongs to make four rights. It seems to me that anyone who is stringing together more than 256 wrongs need counseling, not mathematics.
If it's not one thing, it's another. Not always. Sometimes if it's not one thing, not only is it not another, but it turns out to be something else altogether.
You can't win them all. Not true. Believe it or not, there is a man in Illinois who, so far, has won them all. But don't get too excited; it has also been discovered that under ertain circumstances it is possible to lose them all. By the way, there is no record of anyone having tied them all.
You can't have it both ways. That depens on how intimately you know the other person. Maybe you can't have it both ways at once, but if you've got a little time, you can probably have it six or seven ways.
Things have to get better, they can't get any worse. This is an example of truly faulty logic. Just because things can't get any worse, is no reason to believe they have to get better. They might just stay the same. And, by the way, who says things can't get any worse? For many people, things get worse and worse and worse.
Nobody ever said life was fair. Not so. I specifically remember as I was growing up, at least twelve different people, telling me life was fair. One person put it this way: "Life, you will find, is fair, George." Oddly enough, all twelve of those people died before the age of twenty-seven.
It takes two to tango. Sounds good, but simple reasoning will reaveal that actually it takes only one to tango. It takes two to tango together, maybe, but one person is certainly capable of tangoing on his own. By the way, in medieval times it was widely believed that it took twenty-six to tango.
There's a sucker born every minute, and two to take him. This may have been true in the past, but now, if you adjust for the increased population base, birth control, and the socalled moral decline, not only are there five suckers born every minute, there are now fifty-three to take him.
Life is short. Sorry. Life is not short, it's just that since everything else lasts so long - mountains, rivers, stars, planets - life seems short. Actually life lasts just the right amount of time. Until you die. Death on the other hand, is short.
What you don't know won't hurt you. Why don't we just ask Abe Lincoln and John Kennedy about this one.
- från Brain Droppings


LET THE HEALING BEGIN
This bothersome sentiment is usually heard following some large-scale killing or accident that's been overreported in the news. Like Columbine, Oklahoma City or the World Trade Center. It's often accompanied by another meaningless, overworked cliché, "closure." People can't seem to get it through their heads that there is never any healing or closure. Ever. There is only a short pause before the next "horrifying" event. People forget there is such a thing as memory, and that when a wound "heals" it leaves a permanent scar that never goes away, but merely fades a little. What really ought to be said after one of these so-called tragedies is, "Let the scarring begin." Just trying to be helpful here.
- från When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops?